I'm always here, always Kate
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: What if Castle said "no" when Beckett told him to get out in 3x24 when they were arguing? How would it affect their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

"You really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh?"

"And what about you Rick?" She questioned angrily.

He was shocked at the question. Couldn't she tell how he felt after all this time? "Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner I'm your friend."

"Is that what we are?"

"Alright you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each others arms, but we never talk about it. So no I got no clue what we are. I know I don't wanna see you throw your life away!" He explained walking closer to her with every word.

"Yeah well last time I checked it was my life, not your personal jungle Gym. And for the past three years I've been running around with the schools funniest kid. And it's not enough." she walked to the front door satisfied with shutting him up. That was until he started talking again.

"You know what? This isn't about your mothers case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you've been chasing this thing so long, you're afraid to find out who you are without it."

Dhe ran her hand through her hair and looked at him annoyingly. He wasn't right. No way was he right. "You don't know me Castle. You think you do but you don't."

"I know you crawled inside your mothers murder and didn't come out. I know you hide there. The same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love!"

he paused taking a quick breath, gathering himself. He wasn't going to back down. He was going to crack her.

"You could be happy Kate. You deserve to be happy. But you're afraid."

" You know what we are Castle? we are over! Now get out!" She demanded. Her blood was pumping her fist was tightly balled and she couldn't help the finger that wanted to pull the trigger. He needed to leave before she seriously lost it.

"No."

Wait what? Did she hear that right? He couldn't have said that.

"Excuse me?" She asked still bewildered by his response.

"No."

"Castle get the hell out!"

"No you will not kick me out because you know I'm right."

"Castle," she warned. "You don't want to do this."

"I'm doing it. Kate what's it gonna take for you to realize that your life is worth more than this? We cannot win this."

"You have two seconds to get the hell out of my apartment."

"Or what Kate? You'll shoot me? Shoot one of the only people in your life that sees what this case really does to you? No Kate I'm not leaving. As bad as I wanna fight this with you I know we can't because we can't win this."

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Well we are. You said I don't know you but we both know that's a lie. You just need to admit it to yourself. Your in this relationship putting up with all the crap! He's never here for you so can't trust him. So therefore he doesn't know the most important thing in your life. He can't be with you and not know about your mother."

She turned to face him, face red as blood. Her eyes were piercing through him only showing anger. She wasn't backing down he couldn't break her. But she could see he was standing his ground.

She walked over to him directly in his face. "Get out," she demanded again, pushing on his chest. "We are done."

"Done before we even began?" He questioned taking her hands from his chest and holding them. She tried to take them away but he gripped her wrists tighter. "I know how you feel about me. It's so obvious. So why do you keep denying it?"

"Castle stop just stop!" She tried to break away again but failed miserably.

"I know you felt what I felt that night. It was more than just a ruse."

"Castle you don't know what your talking about." She still couldn't break out of his grip.

"There's nothing I can say is there? Why are you so stubborn? You don't care about your life and you don't care...about me."

She looked away from him not being able to see that look on his face. Pure heartbreak.

"What do want me to say?" She whispered.

"The truth. You know I know it. Tell me you care. Tell me your life is worth living."

"Castle what are you saying I should do? Just give up on her? I need to know who did this."

"I know you do. But your gonna have to move on. She wouldn't want this for you. I don't want this for you."

She'd been doing a fantastic job holding back her emotions but now after seeing the concern in his eyes, the genuineness she couldn't hold back. She tried to cover her face but Castle moved her hands.

"It's okay. Kate I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. You just have to let me be."

"I don't know what I'll do."

"We'll figure it out. Together. Your not alone," he said taking hold of either side of her face.

She dug her face into Castle's chest still trying to hold back the tears that have yet to fall. She gripped his jacket tightly to hold herself up.

"How do I do this? She was my mother."

"One step at a time. I'm not saying it won't be hard. But you're strong enough to get through it." He wrapped one arm around her waist while the other gently stroked her hair. "I'm here. Always. Always Kate."

* * *

**A/N: Please review. Tell me what you honestly think. Tell me how I can improve my writing and/ or my storytelling. I would appreciate it so much!**


	2. Chapter 2

They were snuggled up on her couch in the living room. Neither were speaking. Words weren't necessary. She knew he was here for her. He knew she would open up when she was ready. There was no pressure. It was just a peaceful moment, that they both needed badly.

They were sitting side by side, nothing to special. Their shoulders would brush up against each other every once in a while. She curled her legs up on the couch to the side of her forcing herself to lean in closer to Castle.

She called off the investigation about an hour ago because Castle had forced her. Even though it hurt to turn her back on her mothers justice she knew it was for the better. She felt immediate relief after she hung up the phone with Esposito.

Now they just sat there quietly. He was happy he'd gotten her to listen to him. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if something happened to her. His heart would shatter into a million little pieces. Scattering all around with no hope of ever loving another woman again.

Love. He loved her. He wished he could tell her. He wanted to tell her all the time. Every time he spoke he had to will himself not to say it.

Stop thinking about this Rick.

His heart started racing at the thought of telling her. He wanted to so badly. He needed to tell her.

Absentmindedly he gently began rubbing her hand that was rested next to his leg on the couch.

She immediately looked up to meet his eyes. She liked his touch. The warmth of his skin spread thinly over her body. She found herself craving more. She wanted _more_.

Her heart began beating erratically and her breathing got harder and deeper. She looked down at his hand that rested in hers now. She gripped it tight. Never wanting to let it go.

She stole a glance up at his eyes. She saw desire, she saw lust, but most importantly she saw love. And she wanted to claim it. She wanted him to speak it out for her. But he couldn't she wasn't ready to hear it yet.

He lifted his hand to started gently rubbing up and down her arm andshe couldn't help but shiver under his touch.

This is wrong, she thought. She's not ready. It's too soon. But it felt right.

Before she could compose any other thoughts he put his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her foreword to meet his lips.

It was gentle and sweet and full of potential and just what she needed. But it wasn't enough she needed more.

Slowly she inched closer bringing her hand up to rest on his jaw. She increased the pressure of the kiss just slightly. Castle read into it and open his mouth to her.

He rested his free hand on her waist, encouraging her to come closer. And she did. But it wasn't enough for him. She needed to be closer.

He took his hand from hers and placed both on her waist gripped tightly and sat her in his lap.

She reacted almost instantly. Their kisses deepened granting moans from each of them. She ran her hands down his chest and bit his lip.

What is she doing? She shouldn't be doing this. It's Castle! And she's not ready. But he felt too good. And their lips just wouldn't part. It's like she's the South Pole and he's the north. Two opposite forces attracting in harmony. And it was good. Just like that night outside the warehouse.

She pushed herself deeper into him, not getting enough. His fingers were tangled in her hair and rubbing against her back.

She couldn't take this anymore. She needed him. She forced their lips apart causing a loud "PLOP" sound. She knew she needed to stop but she couldn't help herself.

She started unbuttoning his shirt, revealing more of his chest with every button. She bit her lip before diving back in. Kissing his neck and nibbling on his ear. It felt good to touch his skin.

Finally, she thought.

Castle was trying to hold himself back, but the way she was touching him was driving him insane. Why oh why did they start this? He wouldn't be able to stop himself now. He couldn't hold back.

He took his hands and dug his fingers under the hem of her shirt until he touched skin. When she felt him she bit down on his ear. Causing him to groan. Slowly he lifted her grey shirt up over her head revealing her beautiful creamy skin. He wanted to see more.

He laid her down on the floor beside the couch and kissed her from her neck down. Stopping at her stomach to take her jeans off. He never took his eyes from hers as he slid them down off of her. He came down to kiss her again and she welcomed his lips back to hers.

Kate this is Ricjard Castle. Okay? You're about to sleep with Richard Castle. Are you sure you're ready?

He let his finger tips work their way down her body lightly touching. His fingers wrapped around the rim of her underwear, teasingly. She couldn't help but arch her body up so he could pull them down. He didn't disappoint.

She reached her hands down to unbutton his pants. "Off," she demanded. He did as instructed and open her legs to allow himself access to her. No more doubts. She was ready.

He undid the front clasp of her bra and went into complete awe. She was beautiful, and he couldn't bite his tongue anymore. "I love you," he said.

Okay maybe she wasn't ready. "Castle?" She questioned with pleasure in her voice.

"I love you."she shook her head no rapidly. She wasn't ready to hear that. Not yet. She's still so emotionally damaged.

"No Castle. I'm sorry," she said standing up.

"No I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No it's not that. I'm not ready for commitment. And you are. As bad as I want to I can't say it back."

"Oh. I understand." He did. She just turned her back on her mothers murder. She wasn't ready.

"I'm so sorry I should've stopped this from happening."

"At least now you know that you can be committed."

"Well I almost cheated so I don't know."

Josh. Right.

"Hey," he said handing her her bra. "You'll get better. And I promise I'll be here. One day you'll say it back to me."

She threw herself into him hugging him tightly. "Thank you."

"Always."

She still felt bad though. She got him so worked up just to pull away. He confessed his love for her and she couldn't even say it back. She wanted to but she couldn't. She would find a way to make this up to him. She couldn't deal with this guilt For too long.

She squeezed tighter and after a while when they both realized they were still naked they started laughing. And it felt good. A laugh well deserved.

* * *

**A/N**: **honestly i always forget about Josh until the climax of a story.I don't think I like this. Let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: thanks for all the support I've been given for this. You guys have been great and it's made me want to write better. I tried hard on this chapter and I hope I did it justice.**

**I just had to add this scene where Montgomery was giving his words of wisdom to Kate. It was one of my favorite scenes from 3x24. **

**Since I used dialogue in this I felt I should do a disclaimer. **

**I don't own Castle, sadly not even in my dreams. And my writing isn't good enough to ever make it into the show.**

* * *

Kate soon realized that night that she wouldn't be able to get much sleep. Her mind was still effortlessly racing about Castle. It wasn't just that she wanted him. There was that too but more importantly she noticed how cold and alone she felt when he left. She liked how he touched her and the way the move together. It was sensual and passionate and they were in sync as always. She wanted to take control but Castle's grip on her had her lose her control and feed into him.

Why now of all times? She liked him, that she's known for over a year. Last time she tried to tell him he left with anther woman. _But now?_ After they've established their partnership, friendship, and when she's in a relationship. Why now? She asked herself again.

Could it simply be that he knew what exactly her moms case does to her? That if she dived to far into it that she wouldn't ever come out? He was saving her from the destruction of herself. Inadvertently he saved her life again. And even though deep down a part of her still needs justice she's grateful. Sometimes at night she thinks about what her life would have been like if she didn't let her mothers murder consume her. She maybe would've given in to her feelings for Castle sooner. Maybe she could actually be straight forward about her feelings instead of speaking in code. Maybe she would've let herself fall in love and be happy.

But now without her mothers murder to keep her grounded how will she judge her decisions and character? She'll have to resort back to the old Kate Beckett that she was before her mom died. It'll be difficult because the last time she was that girl she was 19. And her she is almost 13 years later trying to be her old self. She remembers how trusting she use to be with the people close to her. But now Lanie, her best friend, doesn't truly know how she feels about Castle. Yeah she knows that there are feelings there but she doesn't know the entire story.

How was she going to begin a relationship without knowing herself? She's given up on her life motivation so now what? How is she supposed to figure anything out? How is she supposed to live her life now?

Oh, what would she tell her father...

Just talk to him tomorrow Kate. Both of them.

* * *

When she walked into the precinct the next morning Montgomery called her into his office with a disapproving expression clouding his face.

He had his hand on his forehead, rubbing ever so slightly on his pressure points.

"Sir?" She said walking into his office.

He was sitting at his desk reading a file when he looked at her. "Esposito told me you called off the investigation."

She was stunned at how quickly he found out but then quickly dismissed the thought. There wasn't much that Montgomery didn't know, especially when it came to her.

"Yes Sir I did."

"Do you mind if I ask why?"

She looked down wanting to avoid his penetrating gaze on her. She was nervous to say this especially considering he knew how she felt about Castle.

"Uh, um someone-someone convinced me that my life was worth more than my mother's death and I begrudgingly listened to him."

"You don't seem very happy about it."

"I'm not entirely happy about no."

He stood up and walked around to her and leaned on his desk. With serious eyes he asked her what she hoped he wouldn't. "Was it Castle?"

She bit her bottom lip and just nodded.

"Good. I knew you would listen to him because he's good for you." She looked up him and tucked some of her hair behind her ear waiting for him to continue. "Kate you're the best that I've ever trained, maybe the best I've ever seen. Buy you weren't having any fun before he came along." She looked at him questioningly, not trying to believe that Montgomery knew her feelings more than she did. "We speak for the dead. That's the job. We are all they've got once the wicked rob them if their voices. We owe them that." He shook his head before continuing. "But we don't owe them our lives."

She hadn't noticed when she began to tear up but having this moment with her Captain, with him speaking so openly and encouraging, somewhere along the lines tears began to form.

"He told me that we couldn't win this."

"He's right," he admitted. "I've spent most of my life walking behind this badge, and I can tell you this for a fact. There are no victories there's only the _battle_. And the best that you could hope for is that you find some place where you can make your stand. If this is your spot... I will stand with you."

"I uh I think I'm ready to finally move on."

"And I'll stand with you _every_ step of the way."

* * *

Montgomery told Beckett to take the weekend for herself. He knew that since she was finally letting go of her mothers murder she would need time to process things. Maybe even finish going through her grieving process.

She hadn't seen Ryan or Esposito while she was there so she figured he said the same to them about the weekend.

Since she had time on her hands she decided to take a walk and clear her mind about some things. Last night she concluded that she was of breaking up with Josh. She realized that she wasn't getting anything out of that relationship. She already admitted that she was keeping one foot out the door and plus he was always gone. How are they supposed to build a better relationship when he was always gone and she wouldn't let him in? Castle was right, she was just hiding there with him. She cared about Josh that she was sure of but it didn't go beyond a brother like caring. If that makes sense.

When Josh was around they had only slept together once and she vowed no matter what she would not do it again with him. It was awkward and weird and it didn't last very long. To her it felt like it had only lasted a few seconds. She wasn't attracted to him like she had initially been. Somewhere along the lines she felt as attracted to him as she did Ryan and Esposito. They were her brothers!

She was still unsure about what she was going to do about Castle. She wants to be with him but she knows she needs to discover herself without her mothers murder being the foundation in her life. She knew she would figure it out soon but there were other priorities at hand.

She stopped walking instantly when she smelled a sweet yet familiar smell. It was a smell that reminded her of Castle. It was coffee. But it wasn't just any coffee shop, it was the coffee shop Castle buys her coffee at. She finally found it. She bought herself a cup before heading out to her father's house.

* * *

"Are you sure about this Katie?" Her father asked again just to make sure she wouldn't second guess herself.

"Yeah dad. I hope you aren't mad because of the way I have to give this up."

"No no of course not. Your safety comes first Katie that's what I've tried to tell you."

"I know and in sorry I didn't listen. I don't know why I didn't listen when I knew going after her killer would end badly. It's just I-"

"I know Kate you don't have to explain it to me. I know."

He knew what she was feeling. He was the only other person in her life tut knew exactly what she was feeling. Because not only had he lost his wife but his best-friend too. He understood that obsession that drove her and he knew that without it she was like a deer in headlights. Unable to make decisions because now she's left naked, vulnerable.

"It just sucks because now we'll never know," she said wiping the tears that began to fall off her cheeks.

"Yeah not knowing does suck. But knowing that you're alive and safe is enough for me. Johanna still lives within our hearts. If you listen Katie she's there guiding you every step of the way."

"Thanks daddy."

* * *

Beckett told Josh to come to her place after his shift but he ended up having to take on anther one later that afternoon. She didn't want to prolong this she felt it was better just to get it over with.

She headed off to the hospital so she could do this face to face. She didn't want to do it while he was working but she planned on seeing Castle later that night and didn't want him around while he was there.

The receptionist remembered Beckett dropping Josh off at the hospital before so she let her go in instead of waiting for Josh to come to her.

"Josh!" She called out down the hallway when she spotted him.

"Kate? What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"About what?" He asked when he finally approached her. He kissed her quickly before she could answer his question.

Even though she had no strong emotional connection to Josh it still hurt to break up with someone. Especially when that person hadn't done anything majorly wrong. Yeah Josh could be around more but that's a problem that could be handled. She was leaving him because she wants to be with someone else and frankly she's bored with him.

She took a deep breath knowing she would need it. "Us. We need to talk about us." Her stern tone of voice made him take a step back. "Is there somewhere we can talk privately?"

Without speaking he led her into a supply closet near the end of the hall. She walked in first and he shut the door behind himself. "What about us Kate?" He whispered, knowing deep down what was about to happen. He'd gotten that look from too many woman before to not know what was coming.

"Josh I've recently come to realize that I'm looking for something specific in my relationships. Ever since my mother died I have been looking for someone to fill the hole in my heart. And I found him." He looked at her confusingly, unsure of where she was taking this. "It's Castle." She took another deep breath. "It's been him this whole time. It took me a while to realize it or maybe I knew the whole time. I'm not really sure. But I know he found a way into my heart and I like the feeling of him there. I can only hope that you'll forgive me."

It took him a few moments before he responded to her. Kate tried to read his expression. He didn't look angry but she didn't see a lot of hurt either.

"I'm not mad Kate. I'm disappointed that you let this drag on for so long. If you knew I wasn't the one to give you what you need _why_ did you prolong us? I'm happy you can finally fill that hole inside but if you would've just opened up to me I would've been that person."

"You're right and I'm _so_ sorry."

"You wanted it to be him. By the time I came along you had already made up your mind about him." She nodded her agreement. "That's what hurts right now. Not that you breaking up with me doesn't hurt but the fact that you led me on for it to go nowhere hurts worse."

His honesty was killing her. He was right. He was right about everything and it made her seem cold and callous and heartless and petty. She hated herself for what she did to him. He deserved better regardless whether or not he was ever there for her.

"Oh Josh I am so sorry. I was wrong about it all. I should have never done that to you. There's no excuse for it."

"You're right there isn't. Goodbye Kate. I'm happy you found what you're looking for."

* * *

**Please let me know what you think. Your reviews make me want to be a better writer. Tell me how I can improve or something you're looking foreword to seeing in the story. Constructive criticism is the best type. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I hope** **you enjoy this chapter. I hope I did the parts with Lockwood justice. Please let me know what you think.**

**Anyone excited for Castle tonight?**!?

* * *

"Josh please understand."

"Kate I do understand. More than you think I do. I saw this coming. After we were together that first week something changed. I felt as of you were comparing me to him." He held up a finger so she wouldn't protest. "It's okay. Am I pissed at you, yes. But will I get over it? Yeah I will, but talking to you now won't help. So please just go."

* * *

Josh was right about calling her out about everything. Kate hadn't realized that she did all those things. She knew sometimes she did compare Josh to Castle but it was never anything major. She figured she wasn't as good at hiding the things she was thinking anymore.

Castle's good at reading me. Ah, Castle.

Suddenly, in that moment, she wasn't scared to be with him. The butterflies were fluttering around in her stomach endlessly. And she liked it. She found herself smiling as she headed down to the morgue. She really needed some girl talk with her best friend. Lanie doesn't even know about anything that's going on.

When she walked into the morgue Lanie turned to see who just walked in and when she saw it was Kate she couldn't help but be a little suspicious. "What are you doing here girl? I thought you were on home duty."

"I needed to talk to you but if you don't want to I can go," Beckett said with a smile. She knew Lanie would want to know.

"No it's okay. But since you're coming to me you better spill it. All."

She could help but bite her lip and smile nervously. Wow. She was happy. And for the first time since her mother died it felt good. There wasn't any guilt for being happy this time.

"What's gotten into you?"

She looked down before answering. "Castle."

Lanie looked at her curiously. "What about Castle?" She asked getting excited.

"Alot actually. It would probably help if I started from the beginning."

"Okay honey I'm all ears," Lanie said sitting down giving Beckett her undivided attention.

"So it started last night. Castle and I had a fight. A major one. But somehow during that fight he ended up getting me to step off my moms case." Lanie gasped and Beckett couldn't help another smile. "We talked about alot of things concerning us. So i Iet him stay with me and then," she stopped and looked at Lanie who was waiting anxiously for her to finish the story.

"And then! Kate did you do what in thinking? You and writer boy finally did it!"

"No we didn't do that. Almost but we had to stop."

"Why? What happened?"

"He told me he loved me."

Lanie covered her mouth in shock. She was not expecting this. "And that made you stop? That would've me made be all up over it."

Kate barked out a big laugh at her friend. Lanie was so over dramatic sometimes, but right nonetheless. "I didn't know his feelings for me were so strong you know. It scared me."

"And what about now?"

"I think in ready."

"To say it back or to be with him."

"To be with him. I don't know if it's the right time to say it back yet."

"Well congratulations girl I'm happy you're finally getting your man." She came around to give Kate a big hug. "I'm assuming you are no longer in a relationship with the doctor." She said picking up a pen.

"We just ended about an hour ago."

"Are you going to see Castle later today?"

"Probably tomorrow," Kate said smiling again at the thought of getting to see Castle again. She laughed at herself for acting like such a girl, but she couldn't couldn't help it. She was in love with him.

Whoa! In love? Was she? Oh who is she kidding? She's been in love with him for quite some time now. But would never admit it to herself. However, now she is at long last coming to terms with it and it felt good to let it out. It felt like a weight was finally lifting off her shoulders and she loved the freedom that it came with.

"I just broke up with Josh so I wanna take a day to myself."

"Good idea. But when you do see him," Lanie said getting Kate's attention. "I want details."

"Noted."

* * *

Beckett spent the rest of her day at home morning the death of her relationship. Yeah, she knows she never gave Josh much of a chance but she did care about him. And it hurt not to have him in her life anymore. But she knew this hole would be filled soon enough. She smiled at the thought of Castle again.

Castle.

Richard Castle. She was going to be with Richard Castle. Ahh! If anyone were to tell her that one day she'd be dating her favorite author she would've laughed her ass off. And look she's still doing it. It's hard to believe but she's happy because its real.

To get her mind off things she decided to eat some dinner and take a bath while reading a good book. She purposely didn't choose one of Castle's books for this because she knew she wouldn't be able to concentrate.

As time passed Kate found herself growing bored. She's finished her book and didn't have much of anything to do. She'd hadn't spoken to Castle at all that day and thought about calling him but backed out at the last second. She's never called him just to talk before.

Oh goodness, what would she say? Would it be awkward? Calling him just to talk would be so weird. Now she's scared and the butterflies are racing through her stomach again. Oh and there's that smile. Oh she knows! She'll call and say he's caught a body that's just waiting for his justice. No no she couldn't. That's would be so stupid and corny.

She couldn't help but smack herself in the face for being such a girl. What is she doing? What is going on? Kate Beckett doesn't act like this. She doesn't get all giddy just from the thought of her boyfriend. But she can't help it. She loves him. It felt good to admit that.

"I love him," she said aloud to test how it felt.

"We'll that's good," said an unfamiliar voice from behind her. She turned to face Lockwood standing right behind her in her bedroom holding her gun to her head. She couldn't do anything because he had the spare she kept in the closet in his waist band. "Ah being in love. Such a wonderful feeling."

"What do you want?" She tried to sound intimidating but ended up sounding scared. He motioned for her to turn her head again.

"Confirmation. Word on the street is you're finally giving up on your moms case. My boss sent me here to make sure you really are."

"I am."

"Uh-uh. Not confirmation with words." She knew what he meant. He was going to kill her and all she could think of in that moment was Castle. She would never get to tell him. "But I do have the option of keeping you alive. And you know why? Sadly because killing a cop is never good for business. So here's how it's going to go," he said as if he does this everyday. Oh wait, he does. "You're going to go to the precinct first thing in the morning and gather every file you have on this particular subject. Give it to Montgomery and then never try investigating it again. As you'll live happily ever after."

"Fine," she agreed with no hesitation. She wasn't going to put up a fight with a gun to her head, she wasn't that stupid. But why Montgomery?

"Good girl. Finally obeying orders."

"Can you just go? I mean I think we're done here."

She heard him cock the gun behind her head and take a step foreword. Her heart started beating faster as the cold steel of her gun pressed hard into the back of her head. It was when he dropped the gun to the floor that she jumped.

"Haha. I'll see you around detective Beckett. I'll _see_ you," he said putting emphasis on see.

* * *

Later that night Beckett couldn't sleep. She kept tossing in her bed. She couldn't shake the thought of Lockwood holding her gun to her head from her mind.

And to top it off she was scared. She didn't like the feeling of being watched. And she missed Castle. She wished he was here holding her telling her she would be okay and rocking her to sleep.

"That's it," she mumbled. She got out of bed and got dressed. It was three am but she didn't care. Her heart was aching to see him and she doubted he would mind.

The whole walk to his loft she was paranoid. She didn't know if she was being watched but she kept looking over her shoulder just in case. She didn't want to be followed to her boyfriends house.

When she approached the door she took out her phone and called him. She heard it ring loudly on the other side of the door. Then just as quickly she heard stomping and a loud groan. Was he up?

"Hey Kate," he greeted concerned. "Is everything alright?"

He sounded fully alert. Hmm?

"Castle I-I'm here."

He glanced at his door. "Here? As in my apartment?"

"Yeah."

"Hold on," he said hanging up. When he opened the door she immediately fell into him, needing to feel his warmth and wrap herself init. "Hey is everything okay?"

"No," she said. She recapped her night with her visit from Lockwood. Just telling him about it was making her feel better.

"Don't worry we'll get through this. Okay? One step at a time."

"I know. Why are you up?" He smiled brightly but then looked away. "What?" She asked mimicking his smile.

"I uh have been writing non stop since last night. I was feeling inspired."

She smiled brighter. "I have to tell you something."

"Hmm?" He said bringing her the rest of the way into his loft and closing the door.

"I broke up with Josh." He looked straight at her surprised she'd done it so quickly. "I've been thinking about you all day." Oops she wasn't supposed to tell him that. So she looked away from him trying to hide her blush.

"I've been thinking about you too," he said coming closer. "A lot."

"Yeah," she said biting the inside of her lip, trying to suppress her smile.

He wrapped his arms around her and brought her closer to him. Their lips separated by only a breath of air. "What were you thinking about?"

"Your lips." She admitted without thought. Before she could stop herself she continued. "Your hands, on my body."

"Really?"

"Hmm," she looked away. The look he had in his eyes was too much, even though they were just teasing.

"How about," he said gripping her chin and making her look at him. "I help fulfill some of those desires."

Castle was surprised she even admitted those things to him. A lot must've changed between last night and now. He leaned down and kissed her gently rubbing his hands up and down her back, squeezing ever so slightly.

"Come on. You're staying tonight. You look like you could use some sleep."

"Actually I'm not tired at all," she said kissing him again. "But I don't mind staying."

He smiled at her and lead her into his bedroom. He handed her one of his shirts to borrow so she could sleep. "I know what you're trying to do."

"What?" She said trying to sound innocent.

"You're trying to seduce me."

"Is it working?" She asked laying down on the bed.

"Yes."

He sat down on the opposite side of the bed and pulled her to him, embracing themselves in a long, slow kiss that was much needed. "I love you," she whispered into his mouth.

He didn't hear her but that was okay because she was going to tell him again. Even though tomorrow was going to be a hard day she knew she would get through it because she had him. Richard Castle the absolute love of her life. With him everything would be okay. And it was finally good to be able to love and let herself be loved.

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	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Since I used dialogue I thought I should do a disclaimer.**

**I don't own Castle because if I did I would be at ABC studios instead on fan fiction…**

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The next morning Kate was awakened by the strong delicious smell of coffee.

"Hey," he greeted her when she walked into the kitchen.

"Hey," she said wrapping her arms around his waist, hugging him from behind. "That smells good."

"Yeah and that's why this cup right here belongs to you."

"Thank you. And I'm sorry for last night. I guess I didn't realize how tired I was." he nodded his understanding. Last night when they were in bed she fell asleep on him the second her head hit the pillow. He's honestly never seen that happen before but now it seemed kind of funny.

"What are you doing today?"

"I have to talk to Captain Montgomery. See what his role is in all of this."

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She went home straight from Castle's loft to shower and change into some fresh clothes. After she finished she went to look at her moms file that she had hanging on the wall in the other room. She grabbed a box and started taking it down. Everything. Every piece of evidence every picture, everything. She was trading her life for a new life with Castle.

"I'm so sorry mom. Please forgive me."

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When she arrived at the precinct with the case files in the box she went straight for Montgomery's office. She knocked and he motioned for her to come inside. She sat the box down on one of the chairs opposite of his desk before speaking.

"Here are your files."

"What? What files?"

"Lockwood paid me a visit last night. Said the only way I get to live is if I hand over all the files on my mothers murder and to give them to you." She wanted to know what was up. Why did Montgomery get the files of all people? What does he have to do with this? And by the expression on his face she knew he knew something, something important. "Why you?"

"Look Beckett its best for you to not know. Its not safe."

"I think my safety comes second. Tell me what you know."

Montgomery looked down and rubbed his head before explaining. "I was a rookie when it happened, Kate. McCallister and Raglan were heroes to me. I believed in what we were doing. We were just going to snatch Pulgatti that night. Bob Armen wasn't even supposed to be there. Armen reached for my gun, that's when I heard the shot. I didn't even know it was my gun that went off until Armen went down. Then McCallister pulled me into the van. I remember him saying, 'Its okay, kid, its not your fault. Happens in this town everyday.' McCallister and Raglan tried to drown it, but not me. I put it all into the job, Kate. I became the best cop I could be. And then when you walked into the 12th I felt the hand of God. I knew he was giving me another chance, and I thought, if I could protect you the way I should have protected her…"

She interrupted him by asking if he killed her mother. He could sense the feeling of betrayal she felt when she spoke.

"No, that was years later. But she dies because of what-we-did-that-night."

"Then who killed her?"

"I don't know how, but somehow he figured out what we had done. He could've turned us all in instead he demanded the ransom money. He took that money to become what he is and God forgive me for that may be my greatest sin."

"Give me a name. you owe me that, Roy."

"No, Kate . I give you a name, I know you, you'll run straight at him. I might as well shoot you where you stand. " She let out a frustrated sigh and pushed her hair back behind her ears. "You're supposed to be letting go. So do it!"

"Why did you keep this from me? For so long?"

"I planned on telling you when I knew I had your full trust. That way it makes it easier for you to forgive me."

"I forgive you Sir'. I just wish you'd told me earlier."

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As Kate was walking back to Castle's loft she was thinking about the choices Montgomery had made. She forgave him because she knows how hard it must've been for him to admit that. He was trying to protect her, like most of the men in her life. Her boys, Esposito and Ryan, and her partner Castle.

She is going to get through this. Even if it takes her a while even longer than awhile. With the support of her family she is going to make it. And with her inner strength she will survive.

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